OMG...nothing is sacred

I just discovered that not only did my husband read my hand written journal but he also snooped onto my computer and found this. I try to have something personal and he just has to get right in there and take it from me. He doesn't tell me everything he does or everything he's thinking about. Even if I try to ask him he clams up and won't talk. I need these as a way of getting things off my mind. This blog and my journal are my ways of talking things out when I have no friends available. It's also sometimes easier to just write it than to talk it to someone because they have things on their minds and things going on in their lives, they don't need to worry about what's going on in my life all the time. I know I shouldn't think like that but my friends that I trust the most have a lot going on in their lives right now that make my issues seem like child's play. I know this because they talk to me also. We all need friends we can turn to but there are times when we need to figure things out for ourselves. No one can make a decision for us, that would in turn give us someone to blame without taking responsibility for our own.

Well I guess I'm done ranting for now (wonder if he'll admit it if he reads this...LMAO). I have homework to get done now that he is off to work and I have the house all nice and quiet and to myself.

Sharing Money

I have always been under the understanding that married couples were suppose to share finances and financial responsibility. Begining of March we opened a joint account with our income tax return so that household bills would be separate from our personal bills. I just found out today that two bills were not paid when they should have been and we are now coming up on the new due dates with not enough money in the joint account to cover it. You see, he's expecting a check and spent some of the money with the plans to "pay it back" when this other check comes in. Well, we are still waiting for this other check, still waiting for unemployment money to come in and nothing from his measly little part-time position has gone in the joint account. I'm getting sick of him keeping his financial status secret from me. He uses his ex-wife as a reason. She handled all the bills and money, stopped paying the bills, saved the money, and left him with $20 to his name...cleaned out the account. So I guess he thinks I'm going to do the same thing. Guess you really shouldn't marry someone you don't trust. There are so many things going wrong here I'm getting sick of it and about to either blow up at him or just kick him out without explaination which wouldn't actually happen but it will give him too much room for excuses and promises that won't be able to be kept. If it was just possible to talk to him without him getting defensive we could probably avoid all this, but he always gets defensive and then blames things on me, no matter what it is.

Thanks again for "listening"

Males...ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is porn considered cheating when that's all the affection in the house?? I'm married to a man that seems to prefer porn over me...should I consider this cheating?? It really bothers me and I've told him this so now he just tries harder to hide it. I know that he's still doing it. I've walked in on him first thing in the morning, he tries to cover it up but I still see it. He tries to hide the fact that he plays with himself, but I still see it. It bothers me but I still haven't figured out if it's justified. I have this problem of pushing people away and I sometimes think this irritation might be a way of doing that. I know that porn is popular with guys especially but I want some physical attention also. He's not real romantic and doesn't kiss me (other than pecks) unless he's been drinking and I ask him for it. When we do "get busy" it's in the middle of the night, he'll wake me up. I would love to have a romantic evening at home where the "love" starts in one room and by the time we get to the bedroom we are practically going at it already.

If you read this and have any ideas for me please let me know. I will keep posting.

Ugh!!!!

Okay, test or no test I need to vent. Why is it that when you ask certain people a question they have to argue with you?? Or more for that matter if they ask you a question or just voice a statement and you give them your opinion they argue with you. I have this everyday. My husband will make a statement about something and I will, my bad, give him a reason why what he said wouldn't be good. He will then proceed to argue the point with me as if it's going to make a difference. It's almost like he always has to be right and he believes I'm just talking out my ass. There will be times when he will ask for my opinion about something, like what to have for dinner as a simple example, and then argue why what I said is not a good choice...that he would prefer "this"...then why ask what I think. Alot of the discussions we get into, and his insistance that's he's right, stem from what he went through in high school. He was the geek/nerd of his high school...picked on by the jocks and everyone else. Any topics sports related he really shows his "hatred" of sports due to this reason. This seems to stem into everyother topic he may talk about. I'm sick of it but if I try to say something to him about it then I'm wrong and he does the argue stuff again.

Another thing...if I want to buy something he's always giving me reason not to or he'll just avoid going to get whatever it is, of course when I have my own money then I'll just go myself and get it...he also makes more money than I do. But if he wants to buy something then there is no "consultation" with me as to the purchase (mind you I have to consult him if I do something, anything, that might affect him).

Okay, I'm ranting here but this is the purpose of this blog. I need to get things off my chest and not sure where else to go. My friends have issues of their own.

Thank you (whoever) for listening.